


Thoughts at Odd Hours

by lovelavorre



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, I'm sorry I dont know what I'm doing how do i even tag this, Pining, Slow Burn, beaujes, beaujester, its not so much romance actually happening more just reflecting on their relationship, jestergard, sappheau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 19:17:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21463168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelavorre/pseuds/lovelavorre
Summary: "Beau loves the way Jester makes her smile, makes her laugh, she can do it like no other. She is a whirlwind of joy breaking down the walls Beau has built to protect herself from the world"An exploration on Beau's feelings towards Jester after episode 85
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 1
Kudos: 62





	Thoughts at Odd Hours

It can be hard to pinpoint an exact moment when the feelings began. 

It’s been a long time since Beauregard began traveling with the Mighty Nein, before the name of their group had been coined, even. It’s been so long since she first met Jester.

Jester. When Beau first met her she might have simply been curious, wondering about the ongoings within Jester’s head, speaking of an unknown god and bringing joyful chaos wherever she went. Jester has always been a unique one. 

Even now it becomes obvious at times that Jester has more complexities than Beau imagined. Like anyone else, she is a layered individual and as much as it may seem at times that she is an open book, always voicing her thoughts, Beau knows better now. That a book can’t be judged by its cover so much as a tiefling can’t be judged by the playful joy she brings to others. She is so much more than that.

But that too is part of her isn’t it? Beau loves the way Jester makes her smile, makes her laugh, she can do it like no other. She is a whirlwind of joy breaking down the walls Beau has built to protect herself from the world. Jester is like a river, always flowing, smoothing the harshest edges of every rock it comes into contact with.

Beau spent so long around people who were rough, hardened from their experiences of the world. Formerly working with criminals and dealing with a family that doesn’t truly love her, Beau too became one of those people. Untrusting, cynical, always lying, always keeping secrets. When she met Jester she never could have guessed she may have experienced hardship; well, in a way everybody has. But looking at Jester she had seen someone innocent, playful, and perhaps more than anything naive. The world hasn’t reached her yet, she may have thought. 

But the more Beau has traveled with her, the more they have faced horrors together, the more she understands that Jester isn’t some fragile being, soft because the world has yet to change her. No, Jester is kind and soft in spite of whatever she may go through. She can stand up to the toughest monsters, and the most dangerous of people, but they will not steal her smile for long, her cheerful demeanor unaltered. She is resilient. She can be soft and loving no matter what may be thrown her way. This is who she is as a person and she lets nothing change her.

Beau has seen Jester grow and grow. She has seen her experience new things, things she could not have conceived of within the walls of the Lavish Chateau. Jester is understanding the world better, understanding people better, perhaps even understanding herself better. She has thus changed, for the better; but she’s not a different person. No she’s still Jester, the very same tiefling who draws dicks on everything, the same tiefling joking about Caleb being smelly, the same tiefling that was kicked out of her home town for a prank gone too far. Jester is still jokes and chaos, and more than that she is still herself. She has changed in some ways but remained the same where it matters. 

And maybe it’s familiarity that has Beau confused, maybe that is why she dares let someone into her heart. Perhaps in the beginning she had no intention of ever doing so. But spend enough time with someone, be their roommate for so long, be their best friend, you start to peer a bit into their soul. You get the chance to see them vulnerable, you get the chance to see who they are, the potential for who they may become.

And maybe Beau has changed too. Beauregard “hit it and quit it” Lionett generally does not catch feelings. At least, not if she can help it. Ever since Tori, it just hasn’t ever felt right. Sleeping with Keg? Fine. Reani? Hell yeah. Some courtesan she won’t remember the name of? Sure. It always fine as long as she never gets attached to them. It’s safer that way.

If she remains detached then no one can take her love away from her.

No pain.

Even Dairon has warned Beau not to get too close to anyone.

But then again, Beau is only human. Sometimes she wonders what happened to Tori. Now she wonders what will happen to Yasha. 

And what about Yasha, where does she fit into all of this? Beau has been drawn to her since they first met. Maybe at first it was skin deep, she saw a big strong woman and maybe her idea at the time was once again to spend the night and go. But no, that’s not what happened, no, Beau got to know Yasha, at least a little bit. Yasha too had her walls built up around her, not so easily letting people in, and keeping her own share of secrets. 

Maybe Beau was drawn to Yasha for different reasons than she has been drawn to Jester. One is quiet and one is loud; one intimidating in appearance the other cute as a button. Even how they interact with others, one loves to talk and the other is shy. But there is so much to love in both of them isn’t there? And it’s true, in some way or form, Beau cares about them both very much. And they care about each other, love is a beautiful thing.

But Yasha is gone.

Perhaps not forever. But she’s left the party. Aiding the very people the Mighty Nein is fighting against. And Beau knows, she knows it is not Yasha’s fault. It just can’t be. She is under Obann’s control, Yasha did not choose this.

She would never want to hurt us.

Right?

And Beau isn’t the only one in pain, all of the Nein are. And if anyone is hurting, really truly hurting, it is Jester.

Beau wishes she was more like Jester, she wishes she could bring a smile to someone’s face like it was nothing. She hates so much to see Jester hurt, to see her sad. But words are hard. And she doesn’t understand people, emotions. She does what she can to cheer her up, to talk to her, to support her. 

But she can only hope that what she says helps Jester. Beau, blunt, abrasive Beau tries her best. Perhaps Jester has had an influence on her. When Beau talks to her she tries to be kinder, tries to treat her right. She tries to deliver the truth in the nicest way possible, and maybe the fact that she gives the truth at all says something. Beau has a penchant for secrets, afterall.

But, times with Jester aren’t always so full of sadness, so full of worry and fear. No, more often than not the moments Beau gets to spend with her are a delight. 

And perhaps it was somewhere along the lines, sometime within these little moments, that Beau began to fall in love.

From the silly plans Jester makes, to all those nights they roomed together, having late night conversations. Maybe it was the dangerous fun of getting into a bar fight with each other for no reason. Maybe Beau didn’t start to fall for her until she hugged her on a boat, in the middle of the ocean. Afterall Beau’s first thought then was to say that she loved Jester. But was it the same kind of love then?

When Beau told Jester she loved her she meant it- she really did. But it was meant to be platonic at the time. Beau loved Jester as a friend, as family. She was important to her, always. 

“Are you secretly in love with me?” Jester had once asked, seemingly jokingly.

“In a way,” had been Beau’s response.

But could she say yet that she had been in love with her. Could she say that the feelings were romantic? If she’s in love now could she say that was the case from the start? Love doesn’t happen overnight.

Feelings are confusing.

And at the end of the day it doesn’t matter, or so Beau thinks. At the end of the day Beau is not convinced Jester could love her back. Whether it be because she’s in love with Fjord, or because Beau simply isn’t her type. It’s a fun thought to entertain, that Beau can be Jester’s beacon, that she can show her more about herself, learn more about who she is. Perhaps Jester could love someone like Beau? 

But that’s just a thought. Beau does not intend to act on her feelings. More than anything she wants Jester to be happy, and if that isn’t with her so be it. If Jester is still in love with Fjord then dammit that’s who Beau wants her to be with. 

She’ll care about Jester no matter what, and the others too. To Beau they’re friends now. To Beau they’re her family. Her new one, her better one. And she can only hope for the best for them all.

Beau will support Jester wherever, whenever, however she can.

It did feel good to talk about though, to say the words out loud. Maybe it took a few drinks and a good enough excuse, but it was freeing nonetheless. But also terrifying. Beau just spoke it into existence, and she wasn’t alone.

Nott.

Oh, Nott. Beau loves her, she’s a friend but Nott the Brave cannot keep a secret, not one like this. If she meddles Beau doesn’t know what will happen. Nott, Jester, and Beau call themselves the chaos crew for a reason, anything they touch may go down in flames. 

Part of Beau wants Nott to do something though. She’s reluctant to act on her own, but maybe if Nott helps… maybe there’s a chance?

No. Beau doesn’t want to believe it, she doesn’t want to grasp at that shred of hope, she may find herself more hurt if she does. What if Nott says something and then Jester rejects her?

What’s worse? Never telling the one you care about that you love them, spending your days imagining that there could be a possibility but never finding out; or having them learn about your feelings only to tell you that they are not reciprocated? Hope without closure, or closure without hope?

Yeah, this is one risk Beau does not want to take.

Hopefully Nott will understand.

After confessing her secret to Nott, Beau stays awake for a while that night, not quite sober just yet. Thoughts and feelings swirl in her head, the earlier conversation shaking hands with both relief and dread. 

Feelings fucking suck, she thinks to herself.

She spares a glance at a sleeping Jester.

But maybe… it’s not that bad. At least you’re still around…

“I love you Jester,” she mutters so quietly for a moment she wonders if she even said it out loud. Her breath smells of alcohol and she still feels wired from thinking about everything, but she tries to get some rest.

Little does she know Jester is still lying awake, thoughts of family and rejection on her mind. She is deep in her own head when she swears she hears a drunken Beau whisper something.

Jester smiles to herself in the darkness. I love you Beau, she thinks.

She then stands up and walks across the room as quietly as possible, heading towards the bar to have a hard conversation of her own.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote and posted a fic for the first time ever on here 7 months ago and after one single chapter i disappeared off the face of the earth adwjncawiunalkdjcl
> 
> i overwhelmed myself by starting a long slowburn without any real experience, so I was too scared to continue and kept procrastinating and sort of gave up.
> 
> BUT after episode 85 my LOVE for beaujester is STRONGER than ever and i knew i had to write something about them so here it is, i am feeling sO many things now
> 
> and this is motivating me to want to go back to my other fic and also start on some other ideas so yeahhh
> 
> i hope you enjoyed reading this!!!
> 
> ALSO SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIEND WHO OFFERED TO PROOFREAD THIS, MY TRUE HOMIE. THEY DID GREAT WITH EDITING IT. YOU CAN FIND THEM ON TWITTER @RavenRos2


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